An exercise in cutting shame off at the knees.
In Daring Greatly, Brene Brown states: “The less we talk about shame, the more power it has over our lives. If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees."
If you're reading this, thank you! I thank you, because this particular post is selfish. I hope that by naming this particular piece of shame in my writing, I can cut it off at the knees. At the same time, I hope that by having the courage to name this, perhaps you will feel inspired to talk about whatever may bringing you shame, so that you can own it too.
With that in mind, here goes. *deep breath*
All my adult life, I've struggled to keep a job.
*sigh* this is not an easy thing to admit. I live in a culture where work is enshrined as a basic good, a reason for existence and a duty to society. Further, I was raised on a farm within the Mormon subculture, where industriousness is doubly enshrined both for familial and religious reasons. To admit that I struggle to work and be industrious, that I tend to lack the qualities necessary to embody those values, is a painful exercise.
My first job as a cart pusher at Walmart went well-- as did the subsequent two year mission for my church. So why is it that in the 8 years after returning home I've been fired four times from four separate jobs? And why is it that yesterday, I got out of a remedial meeting with my current bosses barely hanging onto that job? Why is it that I continue to struggle with this?
I still remember the first time I was fired. I worked at Jimmy Johns for two months, starting around January of 2014. I noticed at once that I was not...shall we say, highly valued there, as every time I attempted to get on the sandwich-making line I was shoved off and ordered to do something else. Then, one week, I was excited for a trip I was taking to see a friend in Twin Falls and mistook Thursday for Friday on the weekly schedule, with the result that I came in an hour late for my shift. They had a zero tolerance policy for no shows. I was fired.
Cue 2016. Ugh. 2016. *shudder* what an awful year. Amidst steadily declining mental health that nearly led to a hospitalization, I obtained employment as a job coach with Journeys DDA, and as a janitor at a local school. Within seven months I was fired from both jobs. The janitorial job was a difficult experience on multiple levels; the firing was as much my boss's fault due to a misunderstanding, but it nonetheless came at the tail end of several months where I simply did not measure up to the expectations of the job. I struggled to accomplish every duty expected, worked slowly, was often late (though in my defense usually by no more than five minutes) accidentally ruined an expensive cleaning machine, misinterpreted or misunderstood work instructions frequently, and sometimes took longer breaks than necessary, though again usually not by more than five minutes. Adding to this injury was the insult of unkind coworkers throwing my reputation to be chewed up in the rumor mill and my boss gullible enough to believe their words. I ended up with a boss who perceived me as a worthless worker, and that final misunderstanding pushed him over the edge; once again, I was fired.
At journeys, I would commit to shifts and forget about them, causing no shows which led clients to nearly lose their jobs and Journeys to lose clients and revenue in turn. I would also turn in paperwork two to three weeks late. And again, I was often late. It was fortunate that I was otherwise good at working with people with disabilities, and my immediate supervisor saw that about me; she went to bat for me many times. It was also a job I cared about much more than cleaning vents in an ancient school. After I was fired, I showed up to the meeting they called to allow me to contest my firing and fought for the job, and to their credit they gave me another chance. But I continued to struggle. After nearly getting fired again four months later, I finally saw that I needed to do to change and miraculously found the motivation to make those changes, and I drastically improved.
Unfortunately, it was around this time I had a devastating experience that served as one of the final nails in the coffin of my aspirations to a music career. I attempted to work for a friend as an accompanist for a local choir. I failed miserably in that role, and was let go a few weeks before the concert. In the stress of losing that job I said things i regret to my friend, and never was able to connect with her to any depth after that point. Awful. AWFUL. I don't blame her one smidge. I was an awful accompanist, and I was not a very good friend to her either. The wreckage of that friendship and my attempts to accompany convinced me I had no future in music.
After this point, I stuck with Journeys. Can't blame myself for that; they believed in me, and were willing to overlook a lot of things I did not do well. I appreciate them so much for that.
I managed to get my bachelor's degree and excitedly took two new positions, one as an entry-level social worker and another working with the children at Journeys. I thought that my struggles with keeping jobs was past me; the past two months at my social work job showed me otherwise. But here's where I see the Lord's hand in my life: I had felt inspired to call up the company where I found this job, and the boss in turn felt like she should hire me above others who applied. Their straightforward but compassionate remedial intervention this past week showed me why I was struggling, how to change it, and also gave me motivation to make those changes. I am not convinced I could have learned those lessons at any other place, as most of them wouldn't've shown the patience necessary to make it to that point.
Folks, I believe there's a God. Sometimes I don't know their name, but I believe them to be real, and compassionate, and full of love. Ether 12:27 states "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble....and if men will come unto me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." I believe that's a true principle; even if God is not Jesus, as stated in this paragraph, whoever They are They will bless those who come unto Them humbly with the opportunity and ability to grow through their weakness. I am thankful for Journeys, and for my current company, for not giving up on me even though that probably would've made the most sense. I am grateful I am capable of change, capable of learning and growing past what I currently am. I'm grateful for adverse circumstances, and what they teach me about persistence. Most of all, I am grateful to know myself. I may never thrive at a job if I don't have coworkers and bosses who believe in me beyond my current level of ability, and that's ok. Not all of us were meant to thrive in every circumstance.
If you've read this far, thank you for reading. And, I have a request. Have any of you ever struggled like I have with employment? Please let me know. I need your help to get through this period of my life.
Thank you so much for reading, and much love!
Bryce
If you're reading this, thank you! I thank you, because this particular post is selfish. I hope that by naming this particular piece of shame in my writing, I can cut it off at the knees. At the same time, I hope that by having the courage to name this, perhaps you will feel inspired to talk about whatever may bringing you shame, so that you can own it too.
With that in mind, here goes. *deep breath*
All my adult life, I've struggled to keep a job.
*sigh* this is not an easy thing to admit. I live in a culture where work is enshrined as a basic good, a reason for existence and a duty to society. Further, I was raised on a farm within the Mormon subculture, where industriousness is doubly enshrined both for familial and religious reasons. To admit that I struggle to work and be industrious, that I tend to lack the qualities necessary to embody those values, is a painful exercise.
My first job as a cart pusher at Walmart went well-- as did the subsequent two year mission for my church. So why is it that in the 8 years after returning home I've been fired four times from four separate jobs? And why is it that yesterday, I got out of a remedial meeting with my current bosses barely hanging onto that job? Why is it that I continue to struggle with this?
I still remember the first time I was fired. I worked at Jimmy Johns for two months, starting around January of 2014. I noticed at once that I was not...shall we say, highly valued there, as every time I attempted to get on the sandwich-making line I was shoved off and ordered to do something else. Then, one week, I was excited for a trip I was taking to see a friend in Twin Falls and mistook Thursday for Friday on the weekly schedule, with the result that I came in an hour late for my shift. They had a zero tolerance policy for no shows. I was fired.
Cue 2016. Ugh. 2016. *shudder* what an awful year. Amidst steadily declining mental health that nearly led to a hospitalization, I obtained employment as a job coach with Journeys DDA, and as a janitor at a local school. Within seven months I was fired from both jobs. The janitorial job was a difficult experience on multiple levels; the firing was as much my boss's fault due to a misunderstanding, but it nonetheless came at the tail end of several months where I simply did not measure up to the expectations of the job. I struggled to accomplish every duty expected, worked slowly, was often late (though in my defense usually by no more than five minutes) accidentally ruined an expensive cleaning machine, misinterpreted or misunderstood work instructions frequently, and sometimes took longer breaks than necessary, though again usually not by more than five minutes. Adding to this injury was the insult of unkind coworkers throwing my reputation to be chewed up in the rumor mill and my boss gullible enough to believe their words. I ended up with a boss who perceived me as a worthless worker, and that final misunderstanding pushed him over the edge; once again, I was fired.
At journeys, I would commit to shifts and forget about them, causing no shows which led clients to nearly lose their jobs and Journeys to lose clients and revenue in turn. I would also turn in paperwork two to three weeks late. And again, I was often late. It was fortunate that I was otherwise good at working with people with disabilities, and my immediate supervisor saw that about me; she went to bat for me many times. It was also a job I cared about much more than cleaning vents in an ancient school. After I was fired, I showed up to the meeting they called to allow me to contest my firing and fought for the job, and to their credit they gave me another chance. But I continued to struggle. After nearly getting fired again four months later, I finally saw that I needed to do to change and miraculously found the motivation to make those changes, and I drastically improved.
Unfortunately, it was around this time I had a devastating experience that served as one of the final nails in the coffin of my aspirations to a music career. I attempted to work for a friend as an accompanist for a local choir. I failed miserably in that role, and was let go a few weeks before the concert. In the stress of losing that job I said things i regret to my friend, and never was able to connect with her to any depth after that point. Awful. AWFUL. I don't blame her one smidge. I was an awful accompanist, and I was not a very good friend to her either. The wreckage of that friendship and my attempts to accompany convinced me I had no future in music.
After this point, I stuck with Journeys. Can't blame myself for that; they believed in me, and were willing to overlook a lot of things I did not do well. I appreciate them so much for that.
I managed to get my bachelor's degree and excitedly took two new positions, one as an entry-level social worker and another working with the children at Journeys. I thought that my struggles with keeping jobs was past me; the past two months at my social work job showed me otherwise. But here's where I see the Lord's hand in my life: I had felt inspired to call up the company where I found this job, and the boss in turn felt like she should hire me above others who applied. Their straightforward but compassionate remedial intervention this past week showed me why I was struggling, how to change it, and also gave me motivation to make those changes. I am not convinced I could have learned those lessons at any other place, as most of them wouldn't've shown the patience necessary to make it to that point.
Folks, I believe there's a God. Sometimes I don't know their name, but I believe them to be real, and compassionate, and full of love. Ether 12:27 states "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble....and if men will come unto me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." I believe that's a true principle; even if God is not Jesus, as stated in this paragraph, whoever They are They will bless those who come unto Them humbly with the opportunity and ability to grow through their weakness. I am thankful for Journeys, and for my current company, for not giving up on me even though that probably would've made the most sense. I am grateful I am capable of change, capable of learning and growing past what I currently am. I'm grateful for adverse circumstances, and what they teach me about persistence. Most of all, I am grateful to know myself. I may never thrive at a job if I don't have coworkers and bosses who believe in me beyond my current level of ability, and that's ok. Not all of us were meant to thrive in every circumstance.
If you've read this far, thank you for reading. And, I have a request. Have any of you ever struggled like I have with employment? Please let me know. I need your help to get through this period of my life.
Thank you so much for reading, and much love!
Bryce
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