A Not-So-Brief Update
Where am I at these days?
It’s been a while since I’ve updated this blog. Mostly from lack of motivation. That, unfortunately, is a consistent theme throughout my life; noble ambitions, the drive to achieve them as lacking as the vision is vast.
Be that as it may, I feel to give a not-so-brief update on my life in this forum, just because it’s mine and because I can, and also because I want to be open with my family and friends about just where I’m at in life. Call it an exercise in vulnerability. Honestly, that’s what it is. May my shame be cut off at the knees in the process.
Currently, I am sitting in an non-airconditioned room. It’s dark, with the sound of a fan and passing traffic through the open window the only sounds besides the tip-tap of my typing fingers. Today was a decent day, at the end of a decent week. Metaphorically, I am sitting in a sense of deep relief. Perhaps not peace, no no, such is not so easily bought, but yes, relief. As of June of last year, I made the decision to finally begin dating men and actively exploring my sexuality. I’ve been cautious in this venture, since it is not my intent to antagonize the Church or to displease God, but honestly guys, my ability to resist the constant and unyielding urges of my sexual nature broke like a dam, and I am no longer able to resist it. I fought against my sexuality and lost, learning the first difficult lesson of this season of life: sexuality is to be conditioned, not resisted. To be directed and guided, not stonewalled. To be embraced, not feared.
For me, that fear is deep and abiding. I developed plenty of “sin next to murder” associations as a result of my upbringing in the LDS Church, and honestly, I am still a believer at heart. I did everything, literally everything I could to avoid this outcome in my life. I wanted nothing but to be pleasing to God, which to me meant being square with the church. And to be square with the church means no penis, none whatsoever.
Call me apostate. I probably am. I hate to think that I am, but I probably am. At the same time, what else could I have possibly done? I went through the weekend retreats. I attended the conferences. I prayed sincerely. I fasted desperately. I studied scripture. I developed a deep capacity for nonsexual intimacy with men. I redirected, I stonewalled, I whiteknuckled, I accepted and let go mindfully. And at the end of the day, like Voyager in the episode “Parallax,” I came right back to the same spot I started no matter how strenuously I tried: unimaginably, impossibly attracted to men from head to toe.
So one day when snuggling with a beloved man and friend, I finally gave in to the insistent, persistent, maddeningly unyielding urges. My failure came as a great shock, but looking back on it and the emotional and spiritual conditions present in my life at the time, I was foolish for having been surprised. Such an outcome was, perhaps, inevitable. Certainly it was altogether unsurprising.
The only way out, I’ve discovered, is through.
I remain a believer at heart. Even though I have sex with men regularly now and am actively on the lookout for a partner, I still pray in the mode I was taught as a youngster, and still read the Book of Mormon regularly. I still fast, I still pay tithes and wear garments and attend Church. Those practices still have meaning to me. Even if I am to be divested of many of them in membership restrictions, they probably always will. People think I’m crazy, that I’m just coming back to get kicked in the balls again and again by a Church that does not think of me as much more than an annoyance. And they’re probably right, but still I return, because I feel God in those practices. Doing so helps me connect to the God that I still love, that I still feel is with me in spite of it all.
Being gay is quite the gift. There is little I love more than the sight, sound and smell of a good man that I love. To be in his presence, to be bonded, to desire and be desired by good men is a pursuit that brings harmony and unity to every cell of my body. And yes, I mean all this sexually. I find great meaning in the expression of my love for men through sex. Should I? I don’t know, honestly. I am not so convinced of the rightness of my current path to thoroughly believe without question that what I’m doing is right. But it feels right, and it’s oh so much less painful than trying to fit this square peg into the round hole that is temple worthiness and Church membership. I cannot tell you how relieved I feel. All that tension is gone. It’s just gone. The buildup of years and years of misery has broken through the dam holding it back. I feel free to finally pursue the things that matter to me, including (but certainly not limited to) sexual relationships with men that I love. Should I? Y’all, I don’t know. There are certainly people out there who think I should unequivocally reject the Church and jettison every trace of its influence as far as it is possible out of my life, but I can’t and won’t do that. And likely there are people out there who are confused as to how I could possibly reject something as fundamental to Church membership as the law of Chastity and probably grumble pharisaically at my troublesome presence at church.
Screw them all. My prayers to God have been full of angst, and He/She/They have come repeatedly back to me with this message: they do not necessarily condone what I am doing, but they understand why I am doing it, and will not abandon me to any hellish fate. Their responses to my aggrieved petitions are gentle, wise, kind, full of grace and light and undeserved kindness. Father and Mother, may I one day be like You. Theirs is the middle way of Buddhism, the Mean of Confucianism: a gentle path, rejecting extremes, embracing the moderate, full of love and truth.
And guys, I love men. I have to figure out for myself what that means, and right now my love for men is so important to me I cannot abridge it; I cannot tell it that it cannot do what so naturally comes to it. I love men. I love connecting with men of all stripes and shapes and sizes. I need to learn how to express that love, and the aggravating fight against my sexuality was simply getting in the way. I want to love men in as many ways as I can: as partners (romantic and sexual and business and otherwise) as friends, as co-creative companions in the journey of life.
Perhaps some day that love will guide me back to full activity in the Church. It’s happened to others, and I am certainly holding myself open to that possibility. The Church has been a mixed blessing in my life, meaning that along with the pain of unreasonable expectations among other things there has also been much goodness in its teachings and its people. I have no intention of abandoning that completely. I still have a testimony and probably always will.
I know, I know; I say to myself, some of the people reading this will say “But if only he had faith in Jesus, that’s all he had to do!” My response to that is, I am not superhuman. I have faith, more than enough, to move this mountain. Maybe God would rather I climb it instead. I also hear some people saying, “Well, Bryce, I honor you but I have a hard time with the fact you go to Church. How can you be so dedicated to something that does not love you back?” And I hear those concerns, but at the same time, if you only knew what God has whispered to me about the potentiality that exists in this Church. It has the seeds of Zion, the oneness in heart that exalts a people into the likeness of God Herself. I don’t disagree that it does not love me or people like me, at least not yet. And I am certainly not going to wait around and center my life on it if that’s the case. But how can I not participate in such a grand cause?
Spirituality, and sexuality; these are the twin dominant forces of my life. I have pitted them against each other for so long. Where am I at now? I am learning to bring them together, to force them to work together on behalf of a greater cause, that of Love. They are both gifts given to me to enable me to act in the service of Love. I am thankful for that vision, and will gladly serve it until something else more potent reveals itself to me. Until then, I carry on.
Thank you for listening, and I love you.
Bryce
It’s been a while since I’ve updated this blog. Mostly from lack of motivation. That, unfortunately, is a consistent theme throughout my life; noble ambitions, the drive to achieve them as lacking as the vision is vast.
Be that as it may, I feel to give a not-so-brief update on my life in this forum, just because it’s mine and because I can, and also because I want to be open with my family and friends about just where I’m at in life. Call it an exercise in vulnerability. Honestly, that’s what it is. May my shame be cut off at the knees in the process.
Currently, I am sitting in an non-airconditioned room. It’s dark, with the sound of a fan and passing traffic through the open window the only sounds besides the tip-tap of my typing fingers. Today was a decent day, at the end of a decent week. Metaphorically, I am sitting in a sense of deep relief. Perhaps not peace, no no, such is not so easily bought, but yes, relief. As of June of last year, I made the decision to finally begin dating men and actively exploring my sexuality. I’ve been cautious in this venture, since it is not my intent to antagonize the Church or to displease God, but honestly guys, my ability to resist the constant and unyielding urges of my sexual nature broke like a dam, and I am no longer able to resist it. I fought against my sexuality and lost, learning the first difficult lesson of this season of life: sexuality is to be conditioned, not resisted. To be directed and guided, not stonewalled. To be embraced, not feared.
For me, that fear is deep and abiding. I developed plenty of “sin next to murder” associations as a result of my upbringing in the LDS Church, and honestly, I am still a believer at heart. I did everything, literally everything I could to avoid this outcome in my life. I wanted nothing but to be pleasing to God, which to me meant being square with the church. And to be square with the church means no penis, none whatsoever.
Call me apostate. I probably am. I hate to think that I am, but I probably am. At the same time, what else could I have possibly done? I went through the weekend retreats. I attended the conferences. I prayed sincerely. I fasted desperately. I studied scripture. I developed a deep capacity for nonsexual intimacy with men. I redirected, I stonewalled, I whiteknuckled, I accepted and let go mindfully. And at the end of the day, like Voyager in the episode “Parallax,” I came right back to the same spot I started no matter how strenuously I tried: unimaginably, impossibly attracted to men from head to toe.
So one day when snuggling with a beloved man and friend, I finally gave in to the insistent, persistent, maddeningly unyielding urges. My failure came as a great shock, but looking back on it and the emotional and spiritual conditions present in my life at the time, I was foolish for having been surprised. Such an outcome was, perhaps, inevitable. Certainly it was altogether unsurprising.
The only way out, I’ve discovered, is through.
I remain a believer at heart. Even though I have sex with men regularly now and am actively on the lookout for a partner, I still pray in the mode I was taught as a youngster, and still read the Book of Mormon regularly. I still fast, I still pay tithes and wear garments and attend Church. Those practices still have meaning to me. Even if I am to be divested of many of them in membership restrictions, they probably always will. People think I’m crazy, that I’m just coming back to get kicked in the balls again and again by a Church that does not think of me as much more than an annoyance. And they’re probably right, but still I return, because I feel God in those practices. Doing so helps me connect to the God that I still love, that I still feel is with me in spite of it all.
Being gay is quite the gift. There is little I love more than the sight, sound and smell of a good man that I love. To be in his presence, to be bonded, to desire and be desired by good men is a pursuit that brings harmony and unity to every cell of my body. And yes, I mean all this sexually. I find great meaning in the expression of my love for men through sex. Should I? I don’t know, honestly. I am not so convinced of the rightness of my current path to thoroughly believe without question that what I’m doing is right. But it feels right, and it’s oh so much less painful than trying to fit this square peg into the round hole that is temple worthiness and Church membership. I cannot tell you how relieved I feel. All that tension is gone. It’s just gone. The buildup of years and years of misery has broken through the dam holding it back. I feel free to finally pursue the things that matter to me, including (but certainly not limited to) sexual relationships with men that I love. Should I? Y’all, I don’t know. There are certainly people out there who think I should unequivocally reject the Church and jettison every trace of its influence as far as it is possible out of my life, but I can’t and won’t do that. And likely there are people out there who are confused as to how I could possibly reject something as fundamental to Church membership as the law of Chastity and probably grumble pharisaically at my troublesome presence at church.
Screw them all. My prayers to God have been full of angst, and He/She/They have come repeatedly back to me with this message: they do not necessarily condone what I am doing, but they understand why I am doing it, and will not abandon me to any hellish fate. Their responses to my aggrieved petitions are gentle, wise, kind, full of grace and light and undeserved kindness. Father and Mother, may I one day be like You. Theirs is the middle way of Buddhism, the Mean of Confucianism: a gentle path, rejecting extremes, embracing the moderate, full of love and truth.
And guys, I love men. I have to figure out for myself what that means, and right now my love for men is so important to me I cannot abridge it; I cannot tell it that it cannot do what so naturally comes to it. I love men. I love connecting with men of all stripes and shapes and sizes. I need to learn how to express that love, and the aggravating fight against my sexuality was simply getting in the way. I want to love men in as many ways as I can: as partners (romantic and sexual and business and otherwise) as friends, as co-creative companions in the journey of life.
Perhaps some day that love will guide me back to full activity in the Church. It’s happened to others, and I am certainly holding myself open to that possibility. The Church has been a mixed blessing in my life, meaning that along with the pain of unreasonable expectations among other things there has also been much goodness in its teachings and its people. I have no intention of abandoning that completely. I still have a testimony and probably always will.
I know, I know; I say to myself, some of the people reading this will say “But if only he had faith in Jesus, that’s all he had to do!” My response to that is, I am not superhuman. I have faith, more than enough, to move this mountain. Maybe God would rather I climb it instead. I also hear some people saying, “Well, Bryce, I honor you but I have a hard time with the fact you go to Church. How can you be so dedicated to something that does not love you back?” And I hear those concerns, but at the same time, if you only knew what God has whispered to me about the potentiality that exists in this Church. It has the seeds of Zion, the oneness in heart that exalts a people into the likeness of God Herself. I don’t disagree that it does not love me or people like me, at least not yet. And I am certainly not going to wait around and center my life on it if that’s the case. But how can I not participate in such a grand cause?
Spirituality, and sexuality; these are the twin dominant forces of my life. I have pitted them against each other for so long. Where am I at now? I am learning to bring them together, to force them to work together on behalf of a greater cause, that of Love. They are both gifts given to me to enable me to act in the service of Love. I am thankful for that vision, and will gladly serve it until something else more potent reveals itself to me. Until then, I carry on.
Thank you for listening, and I love you.
Bryce
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