Lament

“Father, you KNOW that I never wanted this.”

This has been a phrase I’ve repeated often in my prayers as of late.

“Father, I am doing things I never imagined I would. I am doing them because I want to figure out my sexuality and my love for men and my desire to connect and be connected, but nonetheless, I am doing them. I never wanted this.”

I never wanted this.

Y’all, I will probably always be a goody two-shoes, innocent Mormon boy at heart. The anguish of keeping that part of me is only exceeded by the pain of letting go of it.

Heaven knows I did all the things necessary for a change to come. I prayed and wept and studied scriptures. I fasted. I went to conferences and weekend retreats. I faithfully went on a mission, attended Church, attended the temple. If ANYBODY on this green Earth deserved a shift in his sexuality such that I could make God’s Church work for me in my life, it was me.

It never came.

I had faith to move the mountain.

The mountain never moved.

What do you do then? What do you do when the mountain doesn’t move despite all the prayers and the desires and the faith exercised to the contrary?

I had to change. I had to. I am sorry God, but I had to. I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing. I couldn’t keep fighting. I got tired. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for letting him down, and, I suppose, all of you. Being the good Mormon boy, unfortunately, did not permit me to be superhuman.

But removing that burden is has been my freedom.

Changing, accepting, moving forward in spite of wishes not granted and prayers not answered, this is the test of life for me. And I accept now. I lay it all at the feet of the Universe, and let it with its extraordinary power deal with the aftermath.

When the mountain doesn’t move, you climb. You take the journey and see the beauty of what your ill-guided faith would have destroyed. Think of mountains; all granite and pine, or sere, gorgeous desert, or broadleaved and misty. Covered with beauty, all of them, no matter their location. Why did I spend so long trying to destroy something that brings so much beauty and grandeur to my life? Why did I not have the faith to explore rather than attempt to remove?

The mountain never moved.

I had faith to move the mountain. But it was not the will of God or the universe. So, I explore. I climb. I see what it has to offer.

I do all the things necessary now to make sure that my exploration doesn’t destroy me. I prepare each day. I pray, I weep, I study scripture. I fast. I go to conferences and weekend retreats. I faithfully live my mission, attending church and doing everything necessary to bring joy to the journey. This is the shift that has made the Church work in my life, rather than making me work for the Church.

I never wanted this.

But it is. And so I leave you, reader, with the sense that if there is a God (and I believe there is) then it is my testimony that He does not abandon the sincere seeker to their fate. Even the gay ones for whom it seems there is no space in whatever plan exists.

I never wanted this.

But I thank Father I have it.