“I would be proud to have you as a son:” some thoughts
I am checking in feeling intensely grateful.
This last weekend I was on the kitchen staff in Pennsylvania for a men’s weekend, a New Warrior Training Adventure sponsored by the ManKind Project. It’s hard for me to express my feelings and thoughts about my experience without waxing poetic, or else waning into small and fearful expressions that convey nothing of worth, or worse. So, poetry? Yep. I hope you will forgive me.
The term for the role I took on on this weekend is Man of Service, abbreviated as MOS. When doing this role on a weekend, we become a circle of support around the staff members, who are themselves a circle of support around the participants as they do their work. And what is their work, you might ask? To embrace their whole selves while bathed in the love of other men. To learn their mission and remove barriers to living it. To touch a piece of their shadow: the scary parts of themselves that they hide, repress and deny. To bring their whole selves forward through accountability and integrity. Accountability, integrity, mission, whole self: these are initiated in the participants’ lives through various rituals and process work. My role in the process was primarily to feed the men physically while they did their work.
The beautiful part of any service given in love is that it seems to come back tenfold to the giver:
1) I realized on this weekend that I CAN forgive. I didn’t know this before, but I have the capacity. I may struggle with forgiveness, but I do have the capacity to do it. I don’t have to bear those burdens of hate and anger towards anybody, even if I don’t like what they’ve done to me.
It may or may not come as a surprise, but I really struggle forgiving. About a year ago I had a tremendously hurtful experience, and the person involved become an object of hatred for me. Everytime I passed the street on which this person lived, I would have to process my anger and hatred for them, sometimes for hours. I had no miraculous manifestations, and made no miraculous changes. But I realized, for perhaps the first time, that I have it within me to forgive; that I can let go of the burden of anger and hatred that I’ve carried for so long. It will take some time, but I can do it.
2) My biggest gifts have to do with my open, loving heart. And it is from a place of an open, loving heart that the best work is done, no matter the particulars of the process.
I realized this while sitting in circle with the men with whom I was serving. For me, in my situation, understanding the particulars of the li, the ritual or the process or the “rules” if you will, has always been a struggle. I found out last week that my suspicions were confirmed and that I am on the autism spectrum. Social norms and rules have always been a struggle, and they likely always will be. But my best work is done with an open loving heart, the ren; as long as I have the ren, then the ritual, the process, the rules, the li, will take care of itself.
3) The MKP represents my biggest and best opportunity for real connection. I need to take advantage of it as much as opportunity permits me.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my family and my friends deeply. I love them, and they love me. But I feel strongly that I will learn how best to love them by participating in this weekends, and teaching them how to love me as well.
4) Just because somebody is angry with me, or disagrees with me, or snaps at me, does not mean they dislike me or that the connection is somehow broken.
Serving in a kitchen can be stressful, and I had people snap at me a couple of times. It was devastating. Not only do I have autistic traits, I also have borderline personality traits, which means that I experience rejection exceptionally hard. And in my experience, people snapping at me or getting angry at me is a form of rejection. But I learned! I learned. It is not so. People getting angry with me, snapping at me, disagreeing with me, none of that has to mean that I am being rejected.
5) I can be a young adult. It’s ok not to have everything figured out.
I am sometimes complimented for being mature for my age. Unfortunately, this is not entirely true. There is a LOT I don’t understand, especially when it comes to organizing and doing things. And I am learning that I am ok. It’s ok! It’s ok not to understand everything, not to get everything. So much of that will happen with time and opportunity.
6) Touching others’ hearts occurs when daily interactions are done with love.
Hellos. Goodbyes. Conversations. Making and sharing meals. These all have the power to touch hearts when they are done with love.
I will end with this insight. The men on this weekend touched my heart deeply. As we said our goodbyes, one older man with magic and love sparkling in his eyes took me in an embrace and said, “I would be proud to have you as a son.” Can I even tell you how much that meant? In that moment that man modeled spectacularly what it means to love one another. As he showed up on that weekend, so may I show up in my life.
Thank you for listening.
This last weekend I was on the kitchen staff in Pennsylvania for a men’s weekend, a New Warrior Training Adventure sponsored by the ManKind Project. It’s hard for me to express my feelings and thoughts about my experience without waxing poetic, or else waning into small and fearful expressions that convey nothing of worth, or worse. So, poetry? Yep. I hope you will forgive me.
The term for the role I took on on this weekend is Man of Service, abbreviated as MOS. When doing this role on a weekend, we become a circle of support around the staff members, who are themselves a circle of support around the participants as they do their work. And what is their work, you might ask? To embrace their whole selves while bathed in the love of other men. To learn their mission and remove barriers to living it. To touch a piece of their shadow: the scary parts of themselves that they hide, repress and deny. To bring their whole selves forward through accountability and integrity. Accountability, integrity, mission, whole self: these are initiated in the participants’ lives through various rituals and process work. My role in the process was primarily to feed the men physically while they did their work.
The beautiful part of any service given in love is that it seems to come back tenfold to the giver:
“The Tree of Life, rooted in my heart,I am not a perfect man of service. I struggled with many of the kitchen duties, mostly due to lack of experience. But I gave my best, and I did it out of love, and you know what? My meager efforts were most richly rewarded by this weekend. Here’s how:
Nourished by the Spirit’s love,
Strengthened by aligning the body,
Then rises up to give fruit.
Who, then, harvests the most abundantly?
He who gives the most away.”
1) I realized on this weekend that I CAN forgive. I didn’t know this before, but I have the capacity. I may struggle with forgiveness, but I do have the capacity to do it. I don’t have to bear those burdens of hate and anger towards anybody, even if I don’t like what they’ve done to me.
It may or may not come as a surprise, but I really struggle forgiving. About a year ago I had a tremendously hurtful experience, and the person involved become an object of hatred for me. Everytime I passed the street on which this person lived, I would have to process my anger and hatred for them, sometimes for hours. I had no miraculous manifestations, and made no miraculous changes. But I realized, for perhaps the first time, that I have it within me to forgive; that I can let go of the burden of anger and hatred that I’ve carried for so long. It will take some time, but I can do it.
2) My biggest gifts have to do with my open, loving heart. And it is from a place of an open, loving heart that the best work is done, no matter the particulars of the process.
I realized this while sitting in circle with the men with whom I was serving. For me, in my situation, understanding the particulars of the li, the ritual or the process or the “rules” if you will, has always been a struggle. I found out last week that my suspicions were confirmed and that I am on the autism spectrum. Social norms and rules have always been a struggle, and they likely always will be. But my best work is done with an open loving heart, the ren; as long as I have the ren, then the ritual, the process, the rules, the li, will take care of itself.
3) The MKP represents my biggest and best opportunity for real connection. I need to take advantage of it as much as opportunity permits me.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my family and my friends deeply. I love them, and they love me. But I feel strongly that I will learn how best to love them by participating in this weekends, and teaching them how to love me as well.
4) Just because somebody is angry with me, or disagrees with me, or snaps at me, does not mean they dislike me or that the connection is somehow broken.
Serving in a kitchen can be stressful, and I had people snap at me a couple of times. It was devastating. Not only do I have autistic traits, I also have borderline personality traits, which means that I experience rejection exceptionally hard. And in my experience, people snapping at me or getting angry at me is a form of rejection. But I learned! I learned. It is not so. People getting angry with me, snapping at me, disagreeing with me, none of that has to mean that I am being rejected.
5) I can be a young adult. It’s ok not to have everything figured out.
I am sometimes complimented for being mature for my age. Unfortunately, this is not entirely true. There is a LOT I don’t understand, especially when it comes to organizing and doing things. And I am learning that I am ok. It’s ok! It’s ok not to understand everything, not to get everything. So much of that will happen with time and opportunity.
6) Touching others’ hearts occurs when daily interactions are done with love.
Hellos. Goodbyes. Conversations. Making and sharing meals. These all have the power to touch hearts when they are done with love.
I will end with this insight. The men on this weekend touched my heart deeply. As we said our goodbyes, one older man with magic and love sparkling in his eyes took me in an embrace and said, “I would be proud to have you as a son.” Can I even tell you how much that meant? In that moment that man modeled spectacularly what it means to love one another. As he showed up on that weekend, so may I show up in my life.
Thank you for listening.
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