I’m not Latter-day Saint anymore-- here’s what I want to be known for instead. Part 2
So here’s the lovely thing about reality: It’s complicated.
Sure, that can be maddening
but
it’s also liberating.
One never needs to be certain except when certainty is called for-- and that’s rare.
And the great thing about this
The MOST liberating thing
Is that we are free to embrace virtue no matter from whence it comes.
This practice of embracing any and all virtue is crucial when it comes to sorting out religion. The truth of the matter is that every religion is a mixed bag-- some things are virtuous, some are not, most depend on how they’re employed. And the paradox I’ve had to lean into is that while I am not Latter-day Saint and have no desire to identify with that tradition anymore for myriad reasons, most of the virtues I have employed on the path to developing a life worth living have come from my LDS upbringing. It’s a wonder, that-- how two seemingly opposite realities can be true at the same time. How something that harmed me so much could also have given me access to the best of what I am. A paradox, really. A puzzle that I have the rest of my life to ponder on, and will likely be no closer to the solution at the end than I was at the beginning.
I openly and freely acknowledge that I owe a debt to Mormonism for introducing me to the practices that connect me with Deity in a way that is as real to me as my hands and my feet. This connection is, perhaps ironically, what enabled me to finally leave the Church-- recognizing that Deity is broader than any church, that anything that is virtuous reflects Deity regardless of the particulars. That anyone who embodies virtue embodies Deity, regardless of the particulars. And, because of this, Deity would not abandon or forsake me like I so desperately feared would happen if I left the Church. If indeed there is an embodied God, a perfect personage with Love as his name who is no respecter of persons, then why would He? He does not forsake those who genuinely seek virtue, no matter where their path wanders. This I am witness to.
This connection with divine things remains an omnipresent factor in my life to this day. I pray often about many things-- but mostly for aid in the pursuit of virtue. And because this is a worthy cause, I get answers. Manifold, complex, shifting, shimmering, dynamic answers. In many ways I receive much more of this now that the distractions and despair that came with being an active Latter-day Saint have ceased. Is it a God that answers? A force of kindness and love? The highest parts of my own mind? Could be any, some, all, or none of those-- I don’t care. All I know is that there are answers, they come from Love, and they satisfy my soul’s longing for virtue.
What is virtue, anyway? I’ve mentioned it a great deal in this post. It’s what I want to be known for in the end, after all: as a seeker of virtue. I do not mean this in the narrow way religious people use it, as simply chastity. What I mean is the pursuit of the personal strengths that make life worth living. What I love about pursuing virtue in this manner is that it is a tremendously practical and expansive way of organizing life’s pursuits, including those related to spirituality, that encompasses everything good about every religion, and so much more. I am not pursuing unknowable doctrines, babbling in tongues, or wasting precious time and energy burnishing image, all traps that bad religion often springs on the unwise. No, instead I am pursuing the personal characteristics that enable me to achieve a life well lived. Love. Courage. Honesty. Wisdom. Hope. Reason. Patience. Kindness. Compassion. Respect. And many, many more. And not for any other reason than simply to obtain these virtues. I pursue Courage to obtain Courage. I pursue Wisdom to develop Wisdom. I pursue Compassion to find Compassion. The Destination is the Way.
What does this look like on the ground? I wish to be known as someone who loves others fiercely. I wish to be known as someone who is dedicated, faithful and true. I wish to be known as someone who is trustworthy and honest. I wish to be known as someone who finds as much comfort on the dirt floor of poverty as in the halls of highest privilege, who neither shuns the poor nor favors the rich but who loves his neighbor as himself. I wish to be known as someone who cries for the beauty of a kiss, the sound of sweet music, or the sight of a sunset. I wish to be known as someone who seizes every breath with abandon, loving life with all its possibilities and noting every unremarkable moment as the precious gift that it is. I wish to be known as a conqueror, not of others nor of nations, but of self. I wish to be generous to friends, forgiving to enemies, welcoming to the desirable and the spurned alike. I wish to be skillful and effective in living, accomplishing many things of worth for myself and those around me. I wish to be known as someone who seeks the truth and, when found, holds onto it with absolute conviction. In other words, I wish to be known as a seeker of virtue-- the qualities of excellence that enable any life that can be considered well-lived.
Some of these things I do well; some are aspirational. All are things I wish to be known for. All are things that are desirable to be known for regardless of religion. Some of you may argue that these are all descriptions of a true latter-day Saint, per the 13th Article of Faith, to which I say: if that were always so, then being one would’ve automatically translated into virtue for me. It didn’t.
And yet, in many ways I have Mormonism to thank for introducing me to virtue and providing space for me to experiment with it. I feel sorrow that Mormonism ended up proving an overall obstacle to embodying virtue-- as with most religions, Mormonism itself has many virtues that are worthy and worthwhile. I wish I could’ve found a way to plug into them, but alas, I could not, and that makes me sad-- but it is also good for me to claim the freedom to do what it takes to develop virtue, and reject what diminishes the process.
May it be said at my funeral: that he was a person who gave everything in the pursuit of life well-lived. Say prayers, quote scriptures, make music-- do so only with its relevance to your own understanding of virtue. How my life exemplifies virtue is the only thing that matters to me in the end. May everything that aids and abets me in my cause come to me-- may everything that obstructs me fall away.
In the end, who knows where my journey will take me. Perhaps even back to the church! As an imperfect human who is still developing, I claim every and all right to change course at any time for any reason, regardless of how others may think. Granted, returning to the Church is tremendously unlikely-- I will not easily forgive the Church for the worthless pain it put me through, but I also cannot say never. I will go where virtue calls me-- or I won’t, and hopefully learn a lesson in humility in the process.
If anything, may this be the insight you take from my words-- that no matter where you are, there is hope brightly shining, inherent in your human heritage: that you can change course, that you can learn and grow and become something greater than you were. That is my hope for myself, for my loved ones, and the world at large. May I waste and wear out my life in service to the cause.
Sure, that can be maddening
but
it’s also liberating.
One never needs to be certain except when certainty is called for-- and that’s rare.
And the great thing about this
The MOST liberating thing
Is that we are free to embrace virtue no matter from whence it comes.
This practice of embracing any and all virtue is crucial when it comes to sorting out religion. The truth of the matter is that every religion is a mixed bag-- some things are virtuous, some are not, most depend on how they’re employed. And the paradox I’ve had to lean into is that while I am not Latter-day Saint and have no desire to identify with that tradition anymore for myriad reasons, most of the virtues I have employed on the path to developing a life worth living have come from my LDS upbringing. It’s a wonder, that-- how two seemingly opposite realities can be true at the same time. How something that harmed me so much could also have given me access to the best of what I am. A paradox, really. A puzzle that I have the rest of my life to ponder on, and will likely be no closer to the solution at the end than I was at the beginning.
I openly and freely acknowledge that I owe a debt to Mormonism for introducing me to the practices that connect me with Deity in a way that is as real to me as my hands and my feet. This connection is, perhaps ironically, what enabled me to finally leave the Church-- recognizing that Deity is broader than any church, that anything that is virtuous reflects Deity regardless of the particulars. That anyone who embodies virtue embodies Deity, regardless of the particulars. And, because of this, Deity would not abandon or forsake me like I so desperately feared would happen if I left the Church. If indeed there is an embodied God, a perfect personage with Love as his name who is no respecter of persons, then why would He? He does not forsake those who genuinely seek virtue, no matter where their path wanders. This I am witness to.
This connection with divine things remains an omnipresent factor in my life to this day. I pray often about many things-- but mostly for aid in the pursuit of virtue. And because this is a worthy cause, I get answers. Manifold, complex, shifting, shimmering, dynamic answers. In many ways I receive much more of this now that the distractions and despair that came with being an active Latter-day Saint have ceased. Is it a God that answers? A force of kindness and love? The highest parts of my own mind? Could be any, some, all, or none of those-- I don’t care. All I know is that there are answers, they come from Love, and they satisfy my soul’s longing for virtue.
What is virtue, anyway? I’ve mentioned it a great deal in this post. It’s what I want to be known for in the end, after all: as a seeker of virtue. I do not mean this in the narrow way religious people use it, as simply chastity. What I mean is the pursuit of the personal strengths that make life worth living. What I love about pursuing virtue in this manner is that it is a tremendously practical and expansive way of organizing life’s pursuits, including those related to spirituality, that encompasses everything good about every religion, and so much more. I am not pursuing unknowable doctrines, babbling in tongues, or wasting precious time and energy burnishing image, all traps that bad religion often springs on the unwise. No, instead I am pursuing the personal characteristics that enable me to achieve a life well lived. Love. Courage. Honesty. Wisdom. Hope. Reason. Patience. Kindness. Compassion. Respect. And many, many more. And not for any other reason than simply to obtain these virtues. I pursue Courage to obtain Courage. I pursue Wisdom to develop Wisdom. I pursue Compassion to find Compassion. The Destination is the Way.
What does this look like on the ground? I wish to be known as someone who loves others fiercely. I wish to be known as someone who is dedicated, faithful and true. I wish to be known as someone who is trustworthy and honest. I wish to be known as someone who finds as much comfort on the dirt floor of poverty as in the halls of highest privilege, who neither shuns the poor nor favors the rich but who loves his neighbor as himself. I wish to be known as someone who cries for the beauty of a kiss, the sound of sweet music, or the sight of a sunset. I wish to be known as someone who seizes every breath with abandon, loving life with all its possibilities and noting every unremarkable moment as the precious gift that it is. I wish to be known as a conqueror, not of others nor of nations, but of self. I wish to be generous to friends, forgiving to enemies, welcoming to the desirable and the spurned alike. I wish to be skillful and effective in living, accomplishing many things of worth for myself and those around me. I wish to be known as someone who seeks the truth and, when found, holds onto it with absolute conviction. In other words, I wish to be known as a seeker of virtue-- the qualities of excellence that enable any life that can be considered well-lived.
Some of these things I do well; some are aspirational. All are things I wish to be known for. All are things that are desirable to be known for regardless of religion. Some of you may argue that these are all descriptions of a true latter-day Saint, per the 13th Article of Faith, to which I say: if that were always so, then being one would’ve automatically translated into virtue for me. It didn’t.
And yet, in many ways I have Mormonism to thank for introducing me to virtue and providing space for me to experiment with it. I feel sorrow that Mormonism ended up proving an overall obstacle to embodying virtue-- as with most religions, Mormonism itself has many virtues that are worthy and worthwhile. I wish I could’ve found a way to plug into them, but alas, I could not, and that makes me sad-- but it is also good for me to claim the freedom to do what it takes to develop virtue, and reject what diminishes the process.
May it be said at my funeral: that he was a person who gave everything in the pursuit of life well-lived. Say prayers, quote scriptures, make music-- do so only with its relevance to your own understanding of virtue. How my life exemplifies virtue is the only thing that matters to me in the end. May everything that aids and abets me in my cause come to me-- may everything that obstructs me fall away.
In the end, who knows where my journey will take me. Perhaps even back to the church! As an imperfect human who is still developing, I claim every and all right to change course at any time for any reason, regardless of how others may think. Granted, returning to the Church is tremendously unlikely-- I will not easily forgive the Church for the worthless pain it put me through, but I also cannot say never. I will go where virtue calls me-- or I won’t, and hopefully learn a lesson in humility in the process.
If anything, may this be the insight you take from my words-- that no matter where you are, there is hope brightly shining, inherent in your human heritage: that you can change course, that you can learn and grow and become something greater than you were. That is my hope for myself, for my loved ones, and the world at large. May I waste and wear out my life in service to the cause.
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